Marriage is an ongoing challenge by itself, as one tries to manage the relationship and the family, as well as other common life affairs on a daily basis. And when you’re faced with a partner with a personality disorder and other mental health issues, the relationship can be a heavy burden to bear.
If you are married to an abusive partner you may be dealing with a narcissist. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a disorder in which a person has an inflated opinion of themselves.
Common signs of a narcissist:
. They Have An Exaggerated Sense Of Self-importance
Narcissists are normally seen as arrogant, manipulative, egocentric, patronising, selfish, controlling and demanding. Their way of thinking and behaving surfaces in every area of their life: from work and friendships, to family and love relationships. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) involves a pattern of self-centred, arrogant thinking and behaviour, a lack of empathy and consideration for others, and an excessive need for admiration.
They have this fantasy of grandiose sense of self-importance and a constant need for recognition. This fantasy of feeling superior to others protects them from feelings of inner emptiness and shame, so facts and opinions that contradict the image they want to project of themselves are taken lightly, or completely ignored. Anything that threatens to burst the fantasy bubble is met with extreme defensiveness and even rage – hence, those close to them learn to walk on shells around them, and forced to deal with their denial of reality. They expect to be recognized as superior, even without achievements that warrant it.
They need frequent recognition and approval, occasional compliments are not enough, they need constant food for their ego, so they surround themselves with people that are willing to serve their obsessive cravings for validation.
Relationships with a narcissist are normally one-sided, it’s all about what the other person can do for them, never the other way round.
. Feel Good About Themselves By Belittling Others
Since narcissists believe themselves to be superior, they will diminish you every chance they get in order to shred your sense of self-worth to nothing. They know you are better than them, hence the urge to bring you down. The purpose is to always win and keep you feeling bad about yourself so that you don’t find the confidence to leave.
. Constant Bragging
Narcissists enjoy bragging about themselves in a grandiose and exaggerated way, whether its their physical appearance, material possessions, social popularity, exciting lifestyle, or any other achievements they may hold. They love to talk mostly about themselves, since they are preoccupied with themselves only. They will turn every conversation around to be about themselves. You will barely hear them say anything good about you. They only want to make sure you and everyone else they know is impressed with their greatness.
. Lack of Empathy
Lack of empathy may be the key defining characteristic of a narcissistic person. This is the inability to consider other people’s feelings. Everything is about them and belongs to them. They easily overstep the personal boundaries of others, by disrespecting, mistreating, devaluing, manipulating and humiliating, in order to bend them to their desires. They don’t care how others feel, they will often say cruel things in an offensive manner, remaining oblivious to others pain.
. Exploit Others Without Guilt Or Shame
Narcissists have no morals, they have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. In many ways narcissists see people in their lives as objects – they are there to serve their needs. As a consequence, they don’t think twice about taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends. Sometimes this mistreatment is malicious, but often it is simply oblivious, they simply don’t think about how their behavior can affect others. And if you point it out, they still won’t truly get it. The only thing they understand is their own needs.
They feel intimidated whenever they encounter someone who appears to have something they lack – especially those who are confident and popular. They are threatened by people who don’t bow to them or who challenge them in any way. Their defense mechanism is to despise those that seem stronger than them, the only way to neutralize the threat and to maintain their own sagging ego is to bring those people down with constant criticism. They may do it in a patronizing or dismissive way as if to show how little the other person means to them – or they may go on the attack with insults and threats to force the other person to humble down and become submissive to their bullying.
. Extremely Manipulative
Manipulation is another strong trait of narcissists – they use manipulation to get what they want even at the expense of others. The ability to twist a situation to have things their way is one pitiful personality trait that all egotistical people possess. It can be exhausting and daunting for those in the relationship, the partner easily falls into their manipulative trap remaining unaware it is happening. Narcissists are masters at getting what they want, and because they have no empathy, they may not care what it costs to the other person. They deviously use manipulation as a tool to get their most essential needs met, which are typically attention, validation, and their “hierarchy of prestige.”
. Use Projection When Threatened
A clear sign you are married or have been married to a narcissist is to notice his tendency to use the psychological trick known as projection, on you or others. A narcissist will always blame someone else for doing what they are doing, or will call out their own flaws and fears on the other person, for example, more often than not, the person who is scared and insecure will often accuse his partner of being scared and weak.
Projection is a defence pattern that occurs when a narcissist feels psychologically threatened. The narcissist is always monitoring the world for threats that might compromise them, and when they happen to be caught they quickly blame others of their own misconduct. Projection is frustrating because your partner accuses you of doing things you aren’t actually doing. These projections are not just about cheating and betrayal, they can be about the narcissist’s own vulnerabilities and weaknesses. They are likely to be accusing you of whatever they may be doing or feeling.
. Emotionally Cold
Narcissists are continually shallow with their emotions, they don’t do well with emotions. Being with an emotionally cold partner means your feelings are not validated and are completely ignored – meaning you are not comforted and cared for as you wish and deserve. The narcissistic person is cold and distant during arguments, when the partner is experiencing and expressing significant emotions for something the narcissist has done to them, the narcissist will simply disregard their words and feelings and turns the focus on themselves: “What about me, what about my feelings?” This is what you will mostly hear from a narcissist.
The emotional coldness can be confusing for you, leaving you vulnerable and needy for attention, this may result in attempts of you trying to generate warmth and connection with your narcissistic partner so to have some of his attention. But in the end you are left with a deep feeling of emptiness.
. Experts At Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves denying a person’s experience. It is a form of psychological manipulation in which the narcissist covertly sows seeds of doubt in the partner, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. Statements such as “that never happened, you are imagining things,” or, “you’re going crazy,” are common and has you questioning if you are right or if in fact you’re out of your mind.
The narcissist uses techniques to contradict what you were certain happened. They minimize your feelings and deny events that definitely occurred. The damage of gaslighting is that it is confusing, isolating, and often results in you questioning your own reality and sanity. You may find yourself constantly doubting if you are right or if in fact wrong, this gets you thinking that you may be going crazy. This is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting may be the most insidious manipulative tactic. The constant form of doubting your ability to tell it like it really is alters your sense of reality. Your self-doubt eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and creates a false distorted irrational thoughts of self-identity.
. They Never Take Responsibility
Narcissists expect others to take responsibility and feel ashamed for their bad behavior, yet they deny any responsibility when it comes to their wrongdoings.
In a committed relationship there should be give and take in every aspect, this means accepting when you are wrong and take responsibility – but these are two things narcissists struggle with. They are never wrong and are masters at denying any blame, they easily lie, cheat, and everything in-between. They will make up complex excuses and rationalize anything.
Since they are unable to distinguish the boundary between responsibility and blame, they try to avoid both. Genuine acceptance of responsibility is very unlikely to be issued by a narcissist and you can wear yourself out by waiting for it to happen.
. Extremely Controlling
Narcissists are codependent people and they live in fear of losing control, and the way to keep someone under their control is through threats, imposition, manipulation and domination. They have the need to control others in their environment and this need is driven by fear, which is an essential defense against the risk of being rejected or receiving an injury to their ego or self-esteem.
It is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with such a person because they lack a conscience. They are the most confusing people. If they are toxic or malignant narcissists, they take control and rob you of your independence in every way. However, they control you while remaining completely disinterested in the other aspects of your life.
. Excessive Sense of Grandiosity
Narcissists tend to exaggerate accomplishments, talents, connections, and experiences. They do not have to be real experiences, the only goal is to maintain an over-the-top image.
More than just arrogance or vanity, grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority. Narcissists find people they think have less that them to feel superior, they gain power over poor, insecure or under-educated people. When they meet people with higher status however, they act nice and friendly, they automatically feel insecure and with less power, because behind their mask of ultra-confidence lie a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
. Unfaithful
Narcissists cheat, commit adultery, and have extramarital affairs with no guilt. Sadly, narcissists have no sense of commitment and will inevitably engage on habitual acts of betrayal. They do so for a number of reasons: firstly, because they are easily bored, and they see marriage as average and mundane, and affairs are typically characterised by excitement, flattery, and superficial grandiosity. Because of their sense of entitlement and being “above all,” they have no problem engaging in anything that is far from righteous. For them the word loyalty is meaningless – all they think of is their moment of pleasure, disregarding anybody’s feelings, including the person they are having an affair with.
In addition, narcissists are afraid of intimacy and so cheating is a good tool to avoid the real intimacy and vulnerability that comes with a longer term, committed relationship. They may keep a steady relationship with you but also cultivate other needs outside the relationship. They are chronic cheaters. It doesn’t matter how good of a partner you are, or how much of your life you’ve devoted to them – they will still cheat.
. They Are Unaware Of Their Disorder
Narcissists act any way they want, even if it takes to infringe the law, they don’t care if it is wrong – they do it anyway. Their indifference and apathy is what makes the narcissist toxic and dangerous. For them their behaviour is normal and not a disorder, they have no feelings or remorse of their actions.
A narcissist is someone who’s in love with an idealised self-image, which they project in order to avoid showing their wounded self. Deep down, most pathological narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling,” they feel threatened and scared, even if they refuse to admit it. At their core, they are deeply insecure. They feel unworthy, ashamed and empty, and they hide this emptiness from themselves and others with the defence mechanisms mentioned above.
Once you educate yourself and know what you are dealing with you will be able to predict the next step of the narcissist – it is most certainly predictable. Therefore, the only way you can save yourself from a narcissist is to escape and keep distance from them. This is the only way to protect your mental health and well-being.
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