Setting boundaries with your ex-partner is necessary to protect your mental and emotional well-being, and also important to establish a healthy post-divorce relationship. As a divorcee myself, I know the struggles we face when we are forced to stay in contact with an ex partner, as there may still be unresolved issues, and breaking the bond, as well as healing from the heartbreak takes time; this may be a challenge and may cause a whirlwind of emotions. But we have to do it anyway, for the sake of our children. Even though hard, I found what worked for me and bellow I share some effective ways that may help you as well to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
- Prioritise Your Needs – This is the number one most crucial step, it should come before anything – even before your children, as the better you feel the better you will manage any challenge that comes your way. And guess what? You will be a more present and engaging mum, and also more creative, fun and a positive role-model. So take time to understand what boundaries you need for your emotional well-being. Notice what kind of behaviours or things trigger negative emotions and stress. Let your ex-partner know what topics are acceptable to you and the level of respect you expect.
- Communicate Clearly – Be honest and try to communicate openly with your ex, express your boundaries in a calm and assertive manner. Avoid accusing and blaming, as this will initiate or cause more arguments; focus instead on your feelings and needs first. To avoid impulsive reactions, consider using emails or text messages for better communication, this can give you time to think before responding. Try to keep the communication focused on practical matters related to co-parenting or legal issues only. If possible, have an open conversation with them about both of your needs for boundaries – finding common ground can make the process smoother.
- Stay Calm and Respectful – Even if your ex-partner challenges your boundaries, maintain your composure. Even if you still feel hurt, you can find a way of making yourself feel better by not exposing your emotions to the wrong person. Respond calmly and respectfully to avoid escalating conflicts. They will eventually learn to respect the boundaries you imposed.
- Be Consistent With Your Boundaries – Consistency is key. Once you’ve set a boundary, stick to it. This will help establish certainty for both you and them, and certainly raise your confidence.
- Create a Co-Parenting Plan – When having children together it’s important to establish a detailed co-parenting plan, that outlines visitation schedules, responsibilities, and communication guidelines. Having a structured plan reduces ambiguity and possible conflicts.
- Stick to the Plan – Once you’ve established boundaries and a co-parenting plan, stick to it consistently. This helps you both to know what to expect and reduces misunderstandings.
- Focus on the Positive – Set your boundaries as a way to create a positive environment for both you and your children. You can’t pretend to be calm next to your kids and be raging at your ex, that will still keep you in a negative cycle which will impede you from healing and will still affect your children. Keep in mind that boundaries are meant to foster a healthy relationship, and not only, the more you focus on keeping calm and positive the better you will feel. Like every thing, happiness is a practice.
- Again, Prioritise Your Needs – Your well-being comes first and should always come first, remember that. Don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries that protect your mental and emotional well-being. If constant communication is causing distress, consider limiting contact to only essential matters, especially in the initial stages of the divorce, you don’t need more drama at this stage, you need to take it easy and focus on healing.
- Have Intermediates If Necessary: Maybe in the beginning you may struggle to set those necessary boundaries – here’s where you seek help. Consider involving a mediator or therapist to facilitate the conversation between you and your ex, in order to help you both reach an agreement and find peace. There are unresolved issues behind the arguments that need to be addressed for both parties to move forward constructively. It’s essential to have a space for open and honest communication, allowing each of you to express your concerns and feelings without judgment. By seeking assistance and getting professional support this can be attained.
- Avoid Personal Attacks: Once again, keeping peace involves taking control of your emotions. Keep composure and focus, avoid attacking them personally, reminding yourself that there are better ways to resolve things. With both of you attacking each other that’s all you’ll get, no solution to be found in such a state, you stay stuck in square one and replaying the same scene over and over. Do your best, with or without professional help, to keep yourself calm – this helps maintain a respectful manner and attitude and you both will benefit from it.
- Run to family and friends: Reach out to those you love, don’t go through this alone, find emotional support from people who care about you and are willing to be by your side at this difficult time. Instead of going back and forth in arguments with your ex, hold back your words and express your frustration to those you feel close to – this provides a healthier outlet for your emotions without compromising your own well-being, values, and identity.
- Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that help you manage stress and emotions during this challenging time. Engaging in regular self-care activities is crucial for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being during tough times. This involves identifying and prioritizing activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and a sense of balance. Whether it’s spending time in nature, practicing mindfulness, exercising, or enjoying hobbies, carving out moments for self-care allows you to recharge and better navigate the stresses associated with challenging situations. Remember, taking care of yourself is not only a personal priority but also contributes to your ability to handle difficulties with your ex more effectively.
In summary, boundaries are about finding a balance that works for both you and your ex partner, while prioritising your emotional well-being. It’s okay to adjust boundaries as needed, but try to stay consistent and always ensure that the adjustments are in agreement and respectful.
Contact me for further support or for any questions you may have.