Grief is a feeling of sadness, a normal reaction to the end of something, divorce in this case – and grieving is the process that restores your broken heart. You grieve because you loved, or had some sort of attachment. The therapeutic purpose of grief and mourning is to help you deal with your conflicting emotions so that you may be able to come to terms with the end of your relationship in a healthy way. Grieving is a holly feeling process: what are those feelings telling you, and how can you experience them, and express them? Because they have a job, and their job is to ease your pain and bring you back to your natural state of bliss.
Sometimes we deny feelings of sadness, because we think by denying them we will feel better; and we may also avoid looking like “the weak ones” in front of others, trying to portray an “I’m okay” face to seem strong and happy. If this is your case, you may be suppressing your feelings and holding your tears in, scared to show your “vulnerability.”
I was one of those people. After my divorce I suppressed all my feelings, I represented an image of resilience and strength to others, including my kids. Since I was the one initiating the breakup I had no reason to be shattered, so I thought. I thought I had to be happy about it, since it was something I had been longing for quite some time. But it wasn’t the case. I was sad, I was lonely, and I was scared – I needed a shoulder to cry on, but never really opened up about the truth to anyone. I just found ways of coping on my own, I turned to other things instead, binge eating and smoking. Hiding those emotions left me extremely anxious and panicky. Hence, I had to learn to acknowledge and validate my emotions, there was a lot going on inside me and I was over pretending. I couldn’t run away from the tormenting feelings anymore. I didn’t want to continue pretending I was okay when in reality I was a mess. I wasn’t only lying to others, I was lying to myself too. And healing only started when I learnt to validate my internal turmoil.
Your healing journey only starts the moment you face and deal with your emotions. Whatever emotions you may face is absolutely normal and natural. You are not weak, nor a failure – you are a human being going through hardship, you’re grieving the end of something that was once precious to you, you’re grieving the end of your family, the end of hopes and dreams – you have all the right to feel distraught and devastated. You need to cry, you need to vent out and express all your sadness and frustrations. Cry all you need to cry, as it is your body’s natural way of releasing pain. Talk to someone you trust, or write down how you feel; go for long walks in nature, where you can be away from distractions and alone with your thoughts and emotions; or simply sit with your feelings and acknowledge each one that comes to surface. Find ways to release your pain, it hurts, it hurts a lot and there is no way you can run from those feelings. If you internalise and refuse to face them they will show up in other ways.
Some of the classic avoidance signs are:
• Throwing yourself into work 24/7
• Getting into addictions
• Partying too much
• Jumping straight into another relationship
• Over-doing it at the gym
Emotional pain should not be ignored, no more than you would ignore physical pain, trying to ignore or keeping it from surfacing will hinder your healing and cause long term consequences. If you have difficulties dealing with your emotions professional help might be something to consider. With help, you can reach a place where life can be good again even if you may not be able to see that now. Grief work involves finding ways to go through the pain and put your loss in perspective and come to a point of acceptance that allows you to find a new normal and life can be good again.
If you need further support please feel free to contact me.