“It’s all over!” I had to bring up the courage and strength to end my long-term relationship. It was a very difficult decision but one that I had been longing for years. I spent days thinking what to say, what were the right words to use, whether to be rude and tell him to get out of my life, or to be soft and care about his feelings. I was deeply hurt and and angry at him, it had been years of emotional and physical abuse: lies, betrayals, manipulation and gaslighting were common in our twenty eight years long relationship. Therefore, I was unable to end it softly, I ended up swearing and telling him, “I want to restart my life and have plans, you are no longer part of my plans, so pack up your things and get the hell out of my life. Anything left behind will go to the trash!” (cut the profanity I used)
I was abroad when I made the decision. I took sometime away from home to figure out what was best for me and my kids. Living in a toxic environment had been damaging enough for all of us.
It took me days to decide whether to end the relationship or try and work it out one more time. But I knew that it was over, there was no chance things could go back to normal this time, his abuse went too far, things were worse than ever before and I was done with so much crap and disrespect.
I had been tolerating his narcissistic abuse for far too long, and fought to keep myself strong during those years. Everything from lies cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, bullying, taken advantage of, ignored, insulted, humiliated, hit, betrayed, shamed… there had been a lot I had taken in for far too long. If I still had some self-respect left I used it to end it all.
I was no longer proud to be his wife nor to use his surname, I was in disgust. I could no longer forgive and pretend everything was okay. He should have thought of his actions if he didn’t want to lose his family, but I guess he was used to me staying with him despite everything, therefore he wouldn’t care much. So why even try to give it another try?
After coming forward and saying what I needed to say there was no turning back, I was mentally prepared to not reverse my decision, even though it hurt it was the best way out of a miserable life.
After the text I sent him asking him to leave, I fell in a complete emotional breakdown. I was shocked and numb with disbelief. I would shiver nervously, I could not believe what was happening. Was it really over? It had been twenty eight years in the relationship – a lifetime…
I felt miserable, more than that, I felt desperate, the pain was unbearable. I thought about my adult children being apart from their dad, I thought about my six year old daughter that was going to grow up without her daddy, because he moved to another country, and it would break my heart to see her miss him, but at the same time it was better for her not to deal with so much conflict on a daily basis, and probably she would become another victim.
To say the minimum, I was distraught. Not only for the fact that I had ended a long term relationship for good, but for the fact that our family had been broken apart. Even though there was a lot I had endured during the relationship there was still a bond, after all we had four children and many years together; and I also knew about his negative childhood experiences and why he turned out a narcissist. I felt compassion for him but at the same time I could not deny the fact that he was a grown man with an abusive behaviour. It wasn’t only my emotions that were affected but also my confidence as a woman. He had taken away my femininity with so much manipulation, gaslighting and criticisms. I doubted my sanity at times, and my self-esteem was questionable. I had fought for years to raise my confidence but being with someone that had hardly anything loving to say, made it difficult.
It was a one sided relationship, since he lacked morals and decency, it was only me keeping the relationship going to keep the family together. But, I finally stopped rowing against the tide. He had been a little boy that was in a grown man’s body, and had been another child I had been taking care of.
For many months I denied that the end hurt, I was the one initiating the breakup, why was it painful? I thought I was abnormal, I couldn’t understand my emotions, was I going crazy? My emotions were all over the place, I had mixed emotions during the grieving stage, at one moment I would be sad and doubtful, and on the next angry and confident with my decision.
As days went by reality hit harder, trying to go on with my normal life as if nothing had happened was a challenge: taking my child to school, going to work, going shopping, preparing meals, etc… the house felt empty. I missed him but kept denying the feeling – he hurt me deeply, how could I miss him? How could I still miss him despite wanting to be apart from him? My mind spinning around and my heart in pieces.
I was unable to cry because of how hurt I was. I blamed him for everything but at the same time hoped he was doing okay wherever he was. Crazy right?
Sleepless nights, anxiety taking over my mind, trying to look great and feel fine but my nerves were on the edge. My thoughts were overwhelming and reality very painful. It all felt surreal!
I had to face the truth, there was a reason, actually lots of reason for wanting the divorce, it was painful but I knew I would be okay one day, and would be glad it was over.
It took me months to understand my emotions, until then I was in denial and delusional: “maybe if I had had a different approach with him things would’ve been better, maybe it’s still possible that things could go back to normal,” but at the same time not wanting it to happen.
I just had to keep strong through each day, until one day I would get back on my feet again.