Divorce is stressful and painful, and going through the process triggers all sorts of unsettling and frightening emotions. Divorce represents the death of a marriage, and all the hopes and dreams that went into it. And like any other death, the end of a marriage requires a grieving process for healing.
There are Five Common Stages of Grief during and after divorce, these are:
⦁ Denial
⦁ Anger
⦁ Bargaining
⦁ Depression
⦁ Acceptance
Denial – this is when you find it hard to believe that your relationship is really over. Denial is resistance to change, it is the first stage of grief and it is a normal way of protecting yourself from suffering emotionally. Even though you may want your relationship to be over you don’t want to go through the pain of grief.
Anger – anger normally hides many of the emotions and pain, it is a common emotion expressed during divorce, where you find it difficult to keep serene in the middle of strong and emotional period of your life; the only way to let out your pain is by raging and ranting.
Bargaining – is a way of escaping pain and regain control, this is by doing something to reverse the situation, you hold on to hope and sabotage yourself into thinking that if you ignore each other’s differences your relationship will work. This is just your mind trying to come to terms with this major decision. During grief, it is natural to feel vulnerable and helpless. In those moments of intense emotions, it is normal to look for ways to regain control and do something to reverse the situation. In the bargaining period you may find yourself creating a lot of “what if” and “if only” statements. You may sabotage yourself by thinking that the relationship had its ups and downs but if you ignored the differences the marriage could work.
Depression – is when you have realised that your relationship is really over. Sadness, lack of hope and loss of motivation are common during divorce; empty feelings and grief happen in a more intensive way. Some days you may feel unable to settle your feelings and thoughts and feel utter despair and hopelessness. During this stage intense sadness, lack of sleep and loss of motivation are common. After bargaining your attention moves straight to the present, to the reality of things. Empty feelings of grief present itself in a deeper level. This depressive condition seem as though it will last forever. This is not mental illness but a clear response to your great loss.
Acceptance – is the point when you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though still sad or angry, you are able to move on without your ex and look forward to something new. Just because you accept your divorce does not mean it makes you feel happy all of a sudden, you are not going to immediately be cured of all the grief as soon as you come to terms with it, but you finally realise that what has happened is real and that you need to move past it. At this time, you realise that the marriage is over, and there is no turning back. You begin to feel a sense of liberation and hope for the future. The obsessive thoughts have stopped, the need to heal your marriage is behind you, and you begin to feel that you can have a happy life without your ex being part of it. Your pain gives way to hope and you discover that there is life after divorce.
During the grieving time it is normal to go through a roller coaster of emotions and face each stage in a non-linear way. The experience may be different for everyone, depending on one’s personal situation, however you cannot avoid the roller coaster of emotions and a great deal of new practical challenges as you separate your two lives. For some the heartbreak may be amicable, for others the relationship may have weakened over the years, but the sense of loss will still be overwhelming. Anyhow, it is normal to feel a whole range of negative emotions.
There isn’t a correct order to your feelings, confusion and mixed feelings are normal – you will just have to allow them to flow and take it easy on yourself. Divorce is hard, this is a major loss in your life and you will need time to grieve even if you are the one who initiated the divorce.
How long does it take to emotionally recover from a divorce?
There is no timeline to recover from a divorce. Each person goes through the process of grieving in their own terms. How long it takes to recover may depend on a number of factors, including how long you were together, how good the relationship was and how attached you were to your spouse, whether the divorce was a surprise to you or not, whether you have children together, whether you or your spouse are involved in a new relationship, your level of confidence or your perspective of things. Even though many factors may count, your contribution and effort are of massive importance to help you get through the painful process faster. Self-love and self-care are most needed at this time for your own recovery.