When a relationship comes to an end you need time to move through your feelings and come to terms with all that you’re withdrawing from. Even though the relationship is over there may still be a lot of residual pain that keeps you stuck in resentfulness, holding on to a past that you want to move on from, this hinders your progress and stops you from starting afresh. Resentment is a backward-looking emotion and it can keep you trapped in the past you no longer have.
Emotional healing requires your decision to heal and the willingness to do what it takes to rise and thrive, this is: by letting go of the past. You may be profoundly hurt, but not permanently damaged; you can choose to heal instead of holding on to the “hot coal;” as the Buddha once said, “holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burnt.”
Holding on to your painful past will only keep you miserable, there’s nothing to gain from there. Ruminating the past will not help you step in to a life you deserve and willing to experience. It is important to grieve your pain and look forward for better things, then you’ll be ready for what’s next and not lingering in what’s gone, anymore.
You will have scars, but after grieving and letting go you will come to a place where it doesn’t hurt anymore, and life can feel good again.
Make sure to bury your past, be curious to see what’s coming next. If you don’t make this conscious decision up-front, you could be self-sabotaging any effort to move on and be happy.
It will take time to heal, it will take time to overcome, but you will be able to rise again when you choose happiness over resentment.
All the negative feelings need to be released in a healthy way in order to move forward as a winner. Living with painful memories can be an endless battle, unless you choose to break the cycle and let go of what hurts you. Being angry at your ex for quite some time is normal and understandable, but, holding on to that anger longer than it should can be harmful and hinder your healing process. I know of people that resent their ex partners all their life, some ex partners have even passed on, yet they still relive what they did to them. Living like that is tormenting and sad, you can never get a breakthrough if you hold on to such intense and negative emotions. For some reason you are no longer together and being divorced gives you the opportunity to free yourself – not only physically, but emotionally as well. What was the point of getting divorced if you’re still unhappy? You want to let go of the past and start over, so why let your ex and the memories still be part of your life?
Divorce is your chance to define who you are: know who you are and what you stand for, figure out what you really want and where you want to be. And, that surely has nothing to do with your ex mentally dictating how you should feel, which is exactly what happens when you stay in a resentful state of mind.
So, how can you begin to let go?
Recognise that you need to move beyond the anger to create a better life for yourself. It’s time to take back control and take responsibility for your own recovery – finding ways to let go of resentment. This doesn’t mean you have to deny your feelings – on the contrary, the only way to let go is to validate your pain and grieve.
The following points can help you reach your emotional breakthrough:
Cry your pain away
Share your feelings with someone you trust, maybe someone who has gone through the same. Talk about what’s keeping you bitter and resentful. Let those emotions come through, it is much too painful to cope on your own. If you don’t have anyone to talk to try expressing on paper, journaling can be a good way of venting out all your frustrations.
If you still find yourself unable to shake it off, you can always reach out for support. You may find that working with a divorce coach or a therapist can help you pinpoint what is holding you back, while explore a way to your breakthrough and get you ready to a new beginning.
Strong emotions will come to surface, be okay with it, this is how you will grieve your pain away.
Engage in something new
Do you have anything new you would like to do? Maybe learn a new skill, or start something new. Maybe you have more than one interest, which I find pretty awesome; life is interesting when we add more to our journey. Use this time for personal development, this approach will enrich your life and you will lose interest in what was once upon a time.
Enjoy the little things in life
Life is about making every experience interesting and fun. You can enjoy simple things and be truly happy, whether you do it alone, with family, or with a group of friends. It is up to you to add magic back to your life. You just need true will, love and time to enjoy.
Go on dates if you feel ready to date
Dating can be fun if you meet someone interesting. You may have things in common that you may talk and laugh about, you can go to nice places together, do fun things and get to know each other’s story. It can be a source of enjoyment and recreation, it is always interesting to meet someone new.
Love yourself and care about how you feel
Your feelings matter, and making sure you feel good every moment is precious and crucial to your well-being. Caring for yourself is taking control over your life in general: physical, spiritual and emotional. When you take responsibility for your own happiness your choices will be based on what’s best for you, you will reject anything that jeopardises your well-being. Bitterness and resentfulness cannot reside in a positive mind, your only choice is to feel good.
Look Ahead and Start Planning Your New Life
Start channelling those feelings and energy into planning your new life. Feeling resentful because of being treated unfairly during your marriage was awful, but remember: keeping your mind in the past ruins your present moment.
It is for a reason that you are no longer with your partner, and being divorced gives you the chance to start over and do things on your own terms. This is your chance to define who you are, what is it that you want, and where you want to be.
Whatever the extent of the dysfunctional behaviours and patterns you have been exposed to, you must remember that you are the one in control – not the past experience. Either you control the emotional ghost or it controls you. Although you can never change what was done to you, you have the choice to free yourself by choosing to stop reliving those sad events for once. Now is the time to start loving yourself and start releasing those negative energies. Light up! You can’t undo the past but you can make now and the rest of your life a better experience.